Joker
by drabsparrow
Summary: After being brought back from the dead, Shepard turns to Joker to help cheer her up.
1. Chapter 1

_This is my version of a femShep/Joker romance. It is set durring the events of Mass Effect 2. I own no rights to these characters or setting, I just like them._

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"You'll see Commander, it'll be better than the old days," Joker told Shepard after espousing the virtues of leather seats. He shrugged his shoulders against the backrest, grinning.

"I hope so. I died."

"God, you are such a downer." Joker turned back to the controls. The worried expression on his brow didn't match his glib tone.

Shepard stood behind him for a moment, staring at the back of Joker's seat before coming back to herself and walking off to find her quarters on the new Normandy.

"""""""""""""""""

"Hey Commander, we got Garrus back! That's great, because he was totally my favorite... with that pole up his ass."

Shepard had been coming by almost every day to check in with Joker. She would ask a few questions and listen to his input on the mission and the crew. Sometimes she would just quietly stand beside him and watch the stars rush by. Joker would fill the silence with stupid comments. He would steal looks over his shoulder to see if she smiled at his jokes. Mostly, she just looked tired.

"Sometimes I just get the urge to turn off the inertial compensator and pull a Crazy Ivan."

_"""""""""""""""""_

Joker laid out the bait, giving Shepard an opening to talk about it. "It was good to see Kaiden... uh, Staff Commander Alenko, wasn't it?"

"Yeah, we talked. It was nice, but things have changed. We let it go." She glossed over the subject.

"Oh good, cause I was not looking forward to your mood if that went bad. There's a reason I don't date crew, Commander."

Shepard squatted down so she could see Joker eye to eye under the bill of his hat. She gave him a sly grin. "You don't date crew, Joker, because that would involve leaving the cockpit and talking to someone."

"That's not fair, Commander." Joker said, pretending to be abashed. "I talk to you all the time."

"Oh come on, you only talk to me because I'm always coming by to talk to you."

Joker grinned. "If you're going to argue technicalities, I do most of the talking these days. You've become such a sourpuss."

"Incredulous," Shepard voiced in a flat monotone, trying to sound like an Elcor, "Did you just call me a sourpuss?"

"Getting dumped must really agree with you, Shepard. This is the first time I've seen you smile since..." Joker petered off. He hadn't met to mention such a sensitive topic.

Shepard straightened up and stepped back a little. "Since I died." This time, the monotone wasn't humorous.

"Well, I would have said since you were brought back, you know."

Joker started to turn around, assuming that this was Shepard's cue to shut down the conversation and run off. He was surprised when she stuck her hand out and stopped his chair.

"What's our ETA on Omega?" she asked.

"We'll be there mid afternoon tomorrow." Joker answered, cocking his head to the side.

"When we get there, you should have a drink with me at Afterlife."

Joker bumped his hat up and rubbed his forehead, contemplating. "There's plenty of hooch right here on the ship. You want me to haul myself off the Normandy just to get a drink? What's in it for me?"

Shepard snorted and rolled her eyes. "Afterlife is an Asari strip club. Come drink with me and I'll buy you a lap dance."

"No dice, Commander. My sexual fantasies do not include having my pelvis shattered by a stripper. Make it a table dance, though..."

"Pervert." Shepard replied with a grin.

"Tomorrow evening then." Joker said as he watched the Commander walk away.

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Shepard led the way, carrying the drinks to a table in a side room off of the main bar so that they could hear each other talk.

"Okay Commander, you have to explain this to me, why did the bartender not charge you for the drinks?" Joker asked, taking a seat across from Shepard.

"What? Oh, yeah, I kinda killed his predecessor. Ever since, my drinks have been on the house." Shepard replied and took a sip of her pink fizzy drink.

Joker laughed, "You do realize that that makes no sense, right? I mean, you kill a bartender, most places aren't going to let you come back, at the very least. Anyway, how do you 'kinda' kill someone? It seems like a binary function to me."

"He had been poisoning patrons. I just gave him a taste of his own medicine."

"And you wonder why I always have to pull your ass out of the fire while the locals are gathering their pitchforks and machine guns."

Shepard grinned and quaffed back the remainder of her drink. "Oh come on, I just do it so you won't get bored. What's the point of having the greatest pilot in the galaxy if you don't give him a challenge every now and again?"

"Flattery will get you everywhere, my dear." Joker took another sip of his drink. "Though I should point out, I know you just got dumped and all, but if you get sloshed, I'm not carrying you back to the ship."

"Noted." Shepard swirled the ice around the bottom of her glass and furrowed her brow. "You know Alenko didn't really dump me. I mean, we weren't involved."

"Is that why I interrupted you kissing him that time?" He jabbed with a grin.

"You interrupted before he kissed me. Which I never thanked you for." Shepard leaned back in her seat and let her arms drop onto her lap. "I was the one who started flirting with him, but after Ashley died, I started to think that maybe fraternization wasn't such a good idea."

"Okay, fine, maybe you weren't fucking each other's brains out, but he meant something to you."

"Why do you say that?" Shepard asked, sitting up again.

"After you saw Kaiden, your whole attitude changed. Sure, he called you a traitor and yelled at you... I was listening in, sue me... but now all of the sudden you're cracking jokes and going out for drinks."

"You know, under your wisecracking and your social idiocy, you are sometimes uncomfortably perceptive. You keep being this astute and I might have to start watching myself around you." Shepard laughed, trying to make light of the issue.

"If you're just going to blow me off, you could at least go get another round." Joker said with a huge grin to take the edge off.

Shepard came back a few minutes later awkwardly carrying a shot and a drink for each of them. She sat all the glasses down then scooted back into her seat. She picked up her shot and held it up to toast. Joker mirrored her move then looked at her, waiting.

"Oh hell, I can't think of a toast." Shepard admitted.

"To drinking!" Joker volunteered.

"The direct approach, I suppose." Shepard laughed. "To drinking!" They clinked their glasses and threw back the shots.

"Did you know that when I became a Specter I got a tattoo to commemorate the promotion?"

Joker raised one curious eyebrow.

"It was of a Spy vs. Spy guy, low down on my hip."

Joker reached for his glass. "How low? And more importantly, can I see it?"

Shepard guffawed, choking a little on her drink. "No. You certainly cannot."

"Well, why in the 'verse not?" Joker pouted.

"Because it isn't there anymore." She looked at her drink intently. "I asked Miranda about it. I guess most of my skin burnt off entering the atmosphere. Tattoos aren't exactly genetically coded so it didn't re-grow when they put me back together." She set her glass down without drinking and looked up at Joker.

"I bet there's someone on Omega that could redo the tattoo for you. Though I'd take some antibiotics first, I doubt they've even heard of needle sterilization in this pit." He grinned gently.

"It wouldn't be the same." She fidgeted with her fingers, trying to be earnest with him. "My point was, since they drug me back, I've been treating my body, my life even, like it wasn't real, or like it wasn't really mine, you know?"

"I think I see what you mean."

"Seeing Kaiden, this man who was so important to me before... well before... and then, I didn't really feel anything. He was angry and yelling at me, and it was just... an echo." Shepard paused, looking off to the side. "Anyway, it just drove the point home, Cerberus can make me not dead, but they can't exactly give me my life back. So, unless I'm willing to kill myself to spite them, I'm going to have to figure out how to make this new life work."

Joker studied her face. "Thus the new happy."

"Yes, if I don't want to be miserable anymore I'm going to have to start by acting cheerful." Shepard smiled. It almost reached her eyes.

"Only you could make the decision to force yourself to be happy."

"Well, I'm not just cracking jokes. I'm also going out for drinks with my faithful sidekick."

"Sidekick am I," Joker growled. "I'll kick you in the side."

"And break your hip in the process. I think it would be worth it to see you try."

He just shook his head. "You're heartless, you know that don't you?"

"I try." Shepard said and took a drink.

"So, if I'm going to push my luck being overly perceptive..." Joker looked at her, waiting for her to protest. Shepard nodded for him to continue. "Alenko accused you of being grateful to Cerberus for bringing you back, but the way you talk, I'd say you count resurrecting you on the list of their crimes."

Shepard looked at her lap for a moment. When she straightened up, there was fire in her eyes. "Cerberus wanted the great Commander Shepard who led the battle against Saren and Sovereign or whatever. They salvaged what they could of my old body, re-grew some and replaced the rest with bionics. They restored all my memories. They tried to keep everything exactly the way it was. They failed."

Joker furrowed his brow. "What do you mean they failed? What's wrong?"

"The big brave hero they wanted to fight their war for them, she didn't remember dying." Shepard knocked back the rest of her drink. "Death just kinda screws with your perspective."

"You remember dying?" His voice was soft over the background of pulsing music coming from the main bar.

"Yeah."

"What was it like?" He wasn't entirely sure he wanted her to answer. He had nightmares about that day without hearing it from her perspective.

Shepard slumped for a second before squaring her shoulders and looking up at Joker. "I didn't mean to die. I mean, I meant to save you, but I'm so used to surviving stupid odds, even as I hit the eject button sending the escape pod away with you inside, I was still formulating plans. I was going to bounce off some rubble or something, get back to the ship, figure something out. Then the explosion knocked me clear of the debris and the shrapnel burst my air lines. For a moment, I panicked. I kicked at the void trying to gain purchase. I tried to hold my oxygen in with my hands. Then, I took one last deep breath and it hit me, there was nothing else I could do. It was over. As my lungs began to scream, there was a moment of peace. I had done what I could to protect my crew, the galaxy, everything. I didn't have to fight anymore. I was done, complete. Finished. I watched the stars spin by and slowly fade to black."

Shepard pulled her knees up and wrapped her arms around them. "You know, funny thing, since I was brought back no one has asked me about this shit. Resurrection is a big deal; religions have been founded on less."

"Good to see it's not going to your head." Joker tried to smile to match his tone.

"Before I died, I was up in the air about the whole afterlife thing. My mother had been religious, but I never paid much attention to it." She stared at the table, not really seeing it. Joker had to lean forward to hear her. "Everything faded into black, then there was this white light. It wasn't a walk into the light kind of light, though. It was too bright, it hurt my eyes. In fact my whole body hurt like I'd been stomped on by a Krogan after not sleeping for a week. There was noise in the background, muffled explosions and gunfire. Then Miranda was yelling at me on the intercom to get up, find my armor, my gun, we were under attack and I had to fight."

Shepard paused for a moment. Joker was trying to think what to say, how to respond, when she looked him in the eye and said, "That's when I knew I was in hell."

He reached out and touched her hand but she jerked away, furiously scrubbing away a tear before it fell. "I wasn't ready to die, I didn't want to die, but I did. I died. It was a good death, a fitting death. And those bastards stole it from me. You know what the worst part is?" The alcohol was slurring her speech a bit now. "The worst part was they knew me. The damn Illusive Man understood me enough to use me. All they had to do was point me at the problem, show me the people dying and all of the sudden, I'm fighting for them now."

Shepard picked up her empty glass. "So yeah, I count bringing me back among Cerberus's crimes. I was done, and now I'm fighting again, and I hate them for it."

Joker was serious for a moment, "I'm still glad to have you back."

Shepard looked at him and gave him a soft, soggy smile. "Thank you," she said and took his hand gently. "I didn't bring you here to vent at you. I'm sorry about that. Tonight was supposed to be about turning over a new, happier leaf."

"Hey, it's okay. I'm here for you whether you want to vent or laugh. Whatever you need."

Shepard looked down, suddenly uncomfortable with the careful look on Joker's face. "I think it's time for another round," she said and hopped up to scurry off to the bar. Joker leaned back and looked at the ceiling, breathing heavily.

Shepard plopped down and set two rocks glasses and a bottle of whiskey on the table.

"No, bad idea," Joker said. He picked up the bottle, poured them each a drink and then hobbled back to the bar and left it there.

"Spoilsport." Shepard said and stuck her tongue out.

"Can't carry you back, can't leave you here." He said, gesturing at the bar. "You'll thank me when we don't both wake up on a Batarian slave ship in the morning."

She gave a good open laugh. "Point to the pilot."

"You know what always perks me up?" Joker gave her a goofy grin, "A blue chick in spandex writhing on the table. Perks me right up, every time."

"I'll bet it does." Shepard grinned back at him. She slapped her hand on the table top and stood up. "Let me go see what I can find in the writhing blue chick department. I'll be right back."

She returned a few minutes later followed by an Asari in a metallic bodysuit that revealed more than a little bit of skin. "Joker, I'd like you to meet Innis."

Joker smiled up at the dancer and nodded a greeting as she climbed on the table and knelt in front of him. Shepard slipped back into her seat opposite him, unnoticed. Innis began to move with the deep thrum of the music filtering in from the main area. It hadn't occurred to Shepard how much more intimate the quieter room and close proximity would make a table dance. Outside, where the music overwhelmed everything, the dancers seemed to be pulled inexorably along by the beat. The rhythm was a wind sweeping them about. But here, with the dancer right in front of her and the music far away, it was very different. Innis seemed very self possessed, as though she were performing an internal inventory, experimenting with all the myriad of ways her flexible body could move.

The dancer shifted up high on her knees and Shepard found herself looking at Joker through the triangle of the woman's thighs. He sat straight, chin raised, with a focused expression. If he was perfectly still, maybe he could memorize this experience. Shepard shifted to the side a bit so that she could watch him. Her movement caught his eye, and for a moment he looked at her and gave her a shy smile before looking back up at the show. Shepard studied his face as Joker sat immobile, his eyes tracking the dancer's movement. Innis thrust her hips forward, knees at right angles on the table and leaned back in an impressive arc until her fringe brushed the table. Then she rotated around, running her hand lightly across Joker's jaw as she brought her arms down and sat back on her heels. She smiled at him and he smiled back at her and thanked her for the dance.

Shepard paid the dancer and went back up to the bar. She returned with another round and a glass of water for each of them.

"So you know, in a strip club it's okay to stare at the dancers but, in general, not the patrons." Joker chuckled.

"Oh, sorry, I didn't think about it." Shepard stuttered.

"It's okay..." Joker took a sip of his water, then looked at her. "Pervert."

"Hey, looks who's talking," she responded, pretending to be offended.

"You really don't find Asari interesting, do you?"

"They're beautiful, I guess," Shepard considered. "Mostly, when I watch them dance I think of how deadly all that flexibility and coordination would be in a fight. It's not really a 'sexy' thing, to me."

"Your mind's always in the wrong gutter, Shepard."

Shepard pulled her legs up to sit cross-legged and put both elbows on the table. "I suppose you're not thinking about fighting when you watch Asari dance."

"No," Joker chuckled, "I'm thinking of a whole different set of uses for all that flexibility and coordination."

Shepard rested her chin on her hands. "This is the thing I've never really understood about strip clubs. There are all these beautiful women that you know you aren't going to have sex with. It all just seems like a giant tease."

"Yes and..."

"Well, why would you want to subject yourself to that?"

"Are you asking why I would do it or just men in general?" Joker asked.

"I don't know, both."

"In general, I think men enjoy the promise of sex even if they know it's a hollow promise. Watching the dancers is pleasant and later, when they're alone, it gives them something to think about while they jerk off."

"So, the next time you... masturbate, you'll be thinking about tonight?"

Joker leaned back and looked at her speculatively for a moment. "Yes, seems likely."

"But, I mean..." Shepard shifted in her seat, "why not just look at porn?"

"Porn's good too." He tilted his head to the side, "It's just different."

"How is it different?"

"Porn is anonymous. Somebody, somewhere, posed for a halo or a vid." Joker took a swig of his drink. "Tonight was specific, more personal. Innis danced for me. She knew I was watching, lusting after her and thinking about sex, and she showed off what her body was capable of. She was complicit in my fantasy."

"But she was being paid to do that."

"Well, yeah. We all have motivations for the things we do." He rested his arms on the table. "Sometimes it's money, sometimes it's lust, or loneliness or just a need to be desired. Most of the time, I think motivations are more complicated that just one thing."

Shepard looked down and away, not meeting his eyes.

Joker swirled his drink in silence for a minute. Then he asked, "So, when's the last time you pleasured yourself?"

She looked up at him startled. "That's personal."

Joker just grinned. "You described for me what it felt like when you died, but this is personal?"

Shepard smiled, shaking her head. "How do you do that?"

"Do what?"

"Disarm me without even trying."

Joker leaned back in his chair and settled in. "It's harder than it seems, I just make it look easy."

"You're insufferable."

"And you never answered my question."

"Fine," she said but she took a drink before continuing. "I... took care of myself yesterday, after I got back." She was blushing.

"You mean right after you talked to me?" He wagged his eyebrows at her.

"Oh, don't let it go to your head. I usually masturbate after a hard fight. It helps calm me down and relax my muscles. I wasn't thinking about you."

"You wound me!" Joker exclaimed, laughing. "I assumed you were thinking of Kaiden, on his knees, begging your forgiveness with that skilled tongue of his."

Shepard let out an inelegant guffaw. "No, I wasn't thinking of Kaiden either."

"So, who does the great Commander Shepard, scourge of all evil, think of in her darkest, naughtiest moments?" Joker intoned with bravado.

"Nobody." She took the final slurp of her drink.

Joker leaned forward and gave her the hairy eyeball, "Uh, huh. Sure."

"No really, honest." Shepard squirmed under his dubious glare. "Look, I was probably seven when I first figured out how to pleasure myself. I didn't even know what masturbation was and I certainly wasn't thinking about boys. It was just something I did that felt good. Even now, when I touch myself, I just focus on the sensation..." She trailed off as she realized what she was saying and blushed scarlet.

Joker gave her a huge grin. "This is way better than a table dance."

"Great, now you're going to masturbate thinking about me masturbating. How very meta." Shepard said dryly.

"No, I'm not." Joker said, smirking.

"Uh, huh. Sure." She glared at him.

"I'll be thinking of how beautiful you are when you blush for me."

Shepard didn't think she could blush any deeper. "I should punch you for that."

"You probably should," He said, "But you won't."

She smiled at him, struggling to keep her tone harsh, "You are a cocky son of a bitch."

"That's why you love me, Commander."

"Don't push your luck."

"I always push my luck."

"Yeah, I know."

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_I know, everyone says "Please, please review!" but well... this is my first fan fiction and, you know, please, please review. I wrote this story to be reasonably stand alone, but with the idea of continuing if it was well received. So if you want the stoic and sarcastic Joker and my sweet, vulnerable Shepard to continue to develop their budding romance, click the review button._


	2. Chapter 2

"Hey, Joker."

Suddenly, there was the sound of a woman panting and moaning.

"Gah!" Joker yelped. "Sorry, that was supposed to go to my earpiece." He hastily closed his extranet window and took a moment to re-learn how to breathe before turning around. "Commander, what are you doing up here so late?"

Shepard leaned her butt against the railing, "Couldn't sleep. EDI told me you were up here. Speaking of which, shouldn't your shift have ended hours ago?"

"The third shift pilot... if you can call him a pilot, had a date and asked me to cover." Joker shook his head.

"And you volunteered to cover for him out of the goodness of your heart?" Shepard raised an eyebrow. "Or did he blackmail you on the basis of your extranet activity?"

"No, blackmail is more EDI's style." Joker glared over at the AI's terminal. "The pilot is just going to run some errands for me when we get to Ilium."

"I usually do some shopping anytime we visit a hub. I could pick things up for you if you need."

"No, no, it wouldn't do for the great Commander Shepard to get caught smuggling contraband. Best just to let the pilot handle it."

Shepard leaned forward, "Joker, what kind of contraband are you bringing aboard?"

"Don't be so serious, Commander. I just needed a few... uh, personal items... and I didn't want to bother you."

"Nothing illegal?"

"Come on, Commander, would I do that?" He looked up at her and did his best to look innocent. Shepard just gave him a dubious stare. "Fine, I promise, nothing illegal."

She leaned back, satisfied. "Wait, did you say the pilot had a date?"

"Yeah, Cerberus doesn't have any regs about fraternization. There are several couples on board."

"I wasn't confused whom he would go on a date with. It's just, we're in the middle of space and all the crew's living areas and quarters are communal. Where on the ship would you go for a date? How would that even work?"

"You weren't always a fancy pants commander with a private cabin." Joker gestured at Shepard's pants. "Hell, you were raised in space. You can't tell me you've never arranged for some, you know, 'special time' in a cargo hold or some discreet hidy-hole on a ship."

"Honestly, no, I haven't." Shepard looked out at the stars.

Joker studied her profile for a moment. "Huh...well, your lose, I guess."

They both watched the stars for a minute in silence. Joker hit a few buttons.

"Yeah, this is 98 percent of my job. I just watch buttons flash. Sometimes I press one."

Shepard looked down at him with a sleepy smile.

Joker stretched against the leather seats and yawned. "You know how when you break a rib and it hurts every time you take a breath but you just can't seem to stop breathing? It makes it just impossible to go to sleep."

"Yeah, I'm familiar with the feeling."

"Chakwas has these little pink pills that will knock you right out. It's like, you're in pain, right, then you swallow these pills and three... two... one... boom, you're down. Ten hours latter you wake up, good to go."

"Yeah, the good doctor gave me some pills a while back." Shepard visibly shuddered. "Thing is, my problem isn't the going to sleep part. I have bad dreams. Normally, they wake me up, but with the pills... well, I couldn't wake up, you know?"

Joker looked at her. "You were stuck in the dream."

"Yeah."

"Are these dreams... do you... do you dream about dying?" The whirring sounds of the computers seemed very loud.

Shepard looked down for a minute and then back up at Joker. "No. I mean, I've had nightmares about waking up in the Lazarus research station once or twice. But usually no, it's more the mission... the Reapers."

"Well, that's... not terribly comforting. I mean, if big, bad Shepard is having nightmares about Reapers... civilization's doomed, isn't it?"

Shepard grinned at him and chuckled. "Look, here's the thing, how long have you known about the Reapers? Almost three years?" She looked at Joker.

"Sounds about right."

"I was thinking about this the other night. Time doesn't pass when you're dead. For me, in my personal time line, it's been about ten months now since I had the vision from the Prothean beacon. So much shit has happened in so little time... and it just keeps coming"

"Seems to me like you need a vacation. Sandy beach, warm sun... skimpy bikini." Joker leered at the Commander.

"Sounds wonderful." Shepard threw her arms out wide, "Forget the Collectors. Let's you and I turn this ship around and head to Earth. I bet Baja is nice this time of year."

"What time of year is it right now in Baja?"

Shepard lowered her arms and shook her head, "I have no idea."

"Oh well," Joker replied, "Guess we'll just have to keep fighting instead."

"If we don't have anything better to do, we might as well." Shepard looked back out at the stars. After a minute she yawned, but she made no move to go back to bed.

Joker looked at her, hesitating, and then looked back out at the stars. "After you, you know... bit it, I had nightmares." He paused before forging ahead. "I kept reliving the attack in my sleep. I'd will myself to do something different, to evacuate, to move faster, to hold on to you... but it always happened the exact same. It always ended with me watching you float away into space, helpless to save you."

She knelt by his feet and put her hands on his knees, "You know it's not your fault I died."

"Yeah, I know." Joker put his hands over hers. "I'm not quite arrogant enough to try and claim responsibility for your decisions. You are a stubborn, powerful, sentimental person and coming back to save me was totally a 'you' thing to do."

Shepard squeezed his hands gently. "That is the nicest thing I've ever heard you say."

Joker looked to the side, "Don't get used to it, I'm probably just tired," but he squeezed her hands back before letting go and rubbing his neck.

Shepard got back to her feet. "You said that you used to have nightmares... how long did it take before they went away?"

"Well, they didn't, not exactly." Shepard looked disappointed so Joker hurried on. "I mean, they're way less frequent now. Mostly I only have bad dreams if I fall asleep worried about you."

"Aw, you worry about me." Shepard joked but her expression was soft.

"Nah, most nights I just rub one off and fall asleep with visions of boobies floating in my head."

"Hah!" She laughed suddenly at the change of direction. "Does that work to keep the nightmares away?"

"Actually, yeah, it does. For me at least. I don't know how it would work for you." He put his hands behind his head and leaned back in his chair. "I mean, you say you don't fantasize while pleasuring yourself, seems to me like falling asleep thinking about something nice is key."

"Okay, so here's the thing," Shepard folded her arms across her breast, "Mostly, if I try to imagine having sex with someone, I just get caught up in awkward details. It's kind of stressful, really, and distracting if I'm trying to focus on, well... you know."

"Don't take this the wrong way, Shepard, but it is just adorable that this makes you squirm." Joker's eyes were practically glowing with mirth.

"Oh, fine, make fun of me." Shepard tried to give him an evil look but couldn't stop herself from cracking a smile.

"Have you ever tried looking at porn?"

"I've seen some porn, I guess."

"What did you think?" Joker tilted his head to the side.

"It didn't do anything for me." She shrugged. "It was just two people going at it."

He raised his eyebrows, "Yes, that's the general idea. Porn provides the fantasy, and you provide the stimulation."

Shepard chewed her lip thoughtfully. "They were hardly even people though. It was just a male body and a female body interlocking, vigorously. People are complicated, they have families and jobs, they have hang-ups and insecurities. They have to work through all that crap to find each other and get close enough to have sex. Two people just coming together and fucking with abandon, no strings attached, no real context...it's just not believable."

"A lot of people, especially men, like the idea of sex with no strings attached, at least in theory. They don't want to meet a girl's mother or discuss if she's ever going to get promoted at work. They just want a chance to fuck and then move on. Nothing wrong with that I suppose, if it's your thing."

"Is that your thing, Joker?"

Joker rolled his eyes. "I'm not exactly picking girls up on the dance floor, Shepard."

"Oh, uh, I..."Shepard stuttered, embarrassed.

Joker cut her off before she had a chance to try and apologize. "There are all kinds of different porn out there. If you need plausible characters with messy backgrounds, it can be found."

Shepard smiled. "What kind of porn were you watching when I came up?"

"Damn. You did notice." He looked sheepish.

"Oh, come on, it's not like I didn't know. The screen reflects off the glass." She gestured at the windows. "Usually, I just sneak off and come back later."

"Commander, can I get a mirror up here? You know, so I can see when someone is standing behind me?" Joker gave her a pointed look.

"That would just spoil the fun." Shepard almost punched him in the arm but caught herself and squeezed his shoulder instead.

"Fine, you wanted to see what I was watching." Joker said and opened the vid.

The panting and moaning picked up where it had left off. A human woman was writhing on a bed, enthusiastically voicing her pleasure while an Asari buried her face between the woman's legs.

Shepard watched for a minute, admiring the vigor of the participants. "But they're both women."

"Yes, and?" Joker asked.

"Well, I mean..." she stammered, unsure how to phrase what she wanted to ask. "If they're both women and they've got everything under control, so to speak, what do they need you for? Where do you fit in to this fantasy?"

"Maybe we all met in a bar at some seedy motel back on Earth and we got drunk, and one of the girls thought it would be fun to have somebody watching while they had sex."

"There aren't any Asari in seedy motels on Earth." Shepard leaned over the armrest of Joker's chair to get a better look as the women in the vid began to change positions.

"Oh, whatever. Maybe we're on Omega then. It doesn't matter. The point is, there are these beautiful women and they are getting off on me watching them have sex."

"Why wouldn't you just imagine having sex yourself?" Shepard looked at Joker and suddenly noticed how close their faces were.

"There has to be some amount of plausibility for it to be fun. Casual sex isn't an option for me, but casual voyeurism is."

Shepard leaned back, giving him some breathing room. "So speaking of finding privacy for 'special time'...at some point, do you go masturbate?"

Joker looked at her and raised his eyebrows pointedly. "Really?"

Shepard cocked her head to the side. "What?"

"If my commanding officer wasn't standing here quizzing me, I would be jerking off right now." Joker craned his neck to look up at her.

"Wait, you jerk off in the cockpit?" Shepard squeaked, blushing again.

"You said it yourself, not a lot of privacy around this ship. Late at night in the cockpit is pretty much as good as it gets."

"I, oh, I'm in your way," she stuttered and started to turn away.

Joker caught her hand on impulse. "You're not in the way. I'd rather be talking to you anyway."

Shepard looked down at him with an uncertain smile. Then she turned and looked out at the stars again, still awkwardly holding his hand.

Eventually Joker broke the silence, "You look out there and sometimes it's just like... you know, there's all this... it's like... you know?"

"Yeah, Joker, I know what you mean." She stifled a yawn. "I think I can get some sleep now." She smiled down at him and squeezed his hand. Then, she turned and headed off to the elevator.

"""""""""""""""

It had been a long day of running around Ilium and fighting mercs. Shepard got off the elevator already working the clasps on her armor. She almost tripped on the package sitting in front of her door. Inside the cabin, her blood crusted armor temporarily forgotten, she opened the box. On top, there were several disks with titles like "Officer Jenkins Lets Her Hair Down" and "Dick and Jane Work the Docks." The pictures on the cases made Shepard's cheeks warm. Under the vids, there was a smaller, oblong box. Shepard flipped the end open and slid out a simple, discreet vibrator. There was no note, but she knew who had sent her this unexpected gift.

"You always do push your luck, Joker." She whispered to herself and shook her head, smiling.

She left the box and its contents on the desk and went back to the task of removing her armor. The gauntlets went first and the boots and greaves came off easily. The main body of the armor was tricky. Shepard twisted and danced trying to reach the last clasp. Finally, she managed to unhooked it and she let the heavy plates clamor to the floor. She sighed at the release from constriction and stretched her shoulders, enjoying the freedom of movement. Then she quickly stripped off her under-armor and shoved the whole bundle out into the hall so it could be picked up for cleaning and repair.

In the bathroom, she turned the facet on, letting the hot water form rivulets that etched visible trails in the grime on her skin. For a while she stood, head down, letting the pleasure of heat and water pressure work to relax her shoulders and back. Then she tilted her head back into the flow to wet her hair and get on with the task of bathing.

A few minutes later, scrubbed and clean, she stood naked in front of the bathroom mirror. She gave her body a long appraising look. Then she cocked her hip up and pushed her shoulders back and made a come-hither expression at her reflection. The sultry look was quickly replaced by a wry half smile. Shepard shook her head and walked back out into her cabin to play with her new toys before bed.

"""""""""""""""

"Why is it always claws and guns? Can't we piss off a fuzzy planet? Still dangerous, but hey, bunnies." Joker couldn't help laughing when Shepard pulled her helmet off to reveal some truly spectacular hat hair.

She ignored his humor at her expense. "The thing that gets me is, with the exception of the Elcor, aliens all seem to be kinda person sized. Why can't we show up, just once, to find that the big scary threat is, in fact, miniature? "

"Ha! Dream a little dream, as they say." Joker spun around in his chair. "Wouldn't it be fun if you could just squish the enemy under your boot like a bug?"

"Speaking of dreams," Shepard said while giving Joker a sideways look, "I had a really odd one last night."

"Oh, was it the one where you accidentally spilled chocolate syrup on your breasts and needed someone to lick it off for you?"

"What? No." Shepard raised an eyebrow. "I'm pretty sure I've never had that dream."

"Must just be me then." Joker winked.

Shepard just chuckled. "You're incorrigible."

"I win." Joker said, satisfied. "So, tell me about your dream."

"Well, I dreamed that I was a C-Sec officer named Jenkins coming home from a long day at work. When I got to my apartment, my boyfriend was there waiting with a cocktail. Then, he gave me a shoulder rub and listened while I nattered on about my day."

"This sounds like a vid I saw once." Joker gave her a conspiratorial grin. "What happened next?"

"Well, I turned around to give my boyfriend a kiss to thank him, but I was overpowered by the funk of the unwashed baseball cap he was wearing."

"You want luck on your side? Never wash your hat. Dad told me that. I think."

"You must be one lucky man." Shepard settled back against the railing and smirked.

"I do alright. " Joker smirked right back at her. "Did you try out your new toy?"

Shepard's smile faltered as her cheeks lit up red. "I... I've never used something like that before. I'm still working out the kinks. "

"So to speak." Joker chuckled. "Well you just keep working on it. I'm sure you'll _master_ it soon."

"Oh, god. " Shepard covered her eyes and shook her head. "I don't think that even counts as a pun. That was just bad."

"I aim to please." Joker settled back in his leather seat.

"Goofus." Shepard peeked out between her fingers then let her hand fall to her thigh.

They looked at each other with open smiles like children for a moment. Then, Shepard shook her head and stood up from her leaning. "We won't get to Tuchanka until late tomorrow. Why don't you come up and play cards with me after diner?"

"See, I'm plenty lucky." Joker grinned as he turned around and got back to work.

"""""""""""""""

_Alright, that's chapter two. It's a bit fluffy, I know, but I promise in the next chapter there will be a glimpse behind Joker's grinning mask. Classes have started again so it might take a minute. As always, feedback is my muse. Feed the muse._


	3. Chapter 3

_Sorry it took so long to update. This chapter was a challenge to write and it got away from me and ran a little long._

_"""""""""""""""""""""""""_

Joker walked into the Captain's Cabin and looked around "Why do you have a giant fish tank but no fish?"

"Welcome to my cabin." Shepard got up off the sofa and walked over to greet him.

"Good lord, Shepard," Joker trundled down the steps, "if I'd known you had a pad this cushy, I would have started flirting with you sooner."

"Wait, all I had to do was show you my cabin?" Shepard plopped down on the sofa and put her feet up on the edge of the coffee table. "And here I went through all the trouble of hiring a stripper just to catch your attention."

Joker just stood, looking down at her.

"What, no witty comeback?" She looked up with a quizzical brow. "Cat got your tongue?"

Joker shook his head, "No, I just realized, I've never been invited into my commanding officer's quarters before. Not quite sure how I'm supposed to behave."

"Oh, I'm sorry, Joker. Please, have a seat." Shepard gestured to the sofa catty-corner to where she was sitting. "Can I get you a drink?"

"Um, sure." Joker sat down. "I'll have whatever you're having."

She smiled at him and grabbed a bottle of wine and two glasses. She sat back down and poured the drinks.

"Nice, um, stemware, Commander." Joker said, picking up his glass.

"Please, not 'Commander'. Like you said, Cerberus doesn't have any regs about fraternization. We're off duty. Let's just pretend we're normal people."

"It's been awhile since I've been a normal person. I'll try and remember how." Joker took a sip of his wine. "So if we're normal people, do I call you Jane?"

"You can if you really want. I've always hated that name. Plain Jane. Boring. I've pretty much gone by Shepard my whole life."

"Well then, I'll stick with Shepard, unless I'm trying to get on your nerves." Joker smiled and settled back on the sofa.

"What about you? I've never thought much about it. Do you prefer to be called Jeff?" Shepard leaned forward and rested her elbows on her knees.

He took another sip of his wine before answering. "My mother called me Jeff."

"So, is that a good thing? Would you like me to call you Jeff?" Shepard put her hand on the side of her neck.

"Honey, you can call me whatever you like." Joker laughed and winked.

"Alright, I'll call you 'asshole'." She smirked. "Let's play some cards."

"You never answered my question." Joker said as Shepard went to fetch the cards.

She came back with a deck and a pouch full of poker chips. "What question?"

"You have a giant fish tank, but no fish. Why?" He started shuffling the cards while Shepard divided out the chips.

She paused and looked at him, thoughtful. "I guess it just never occurred to me to get fish. I've been busy with fighting and stuff."

"Really?" Joker gave her a look. "You're going to lie to me about this?"

"What?" Shepard gave him an innocent, pouty look.

Joker started dealing out the cards. "Who do you think receives shipments when we're docked? Unless you're going to try and tell me that the Illium Skald fish were for Grunt."

Shepard looked intently at her hands, but her face was bright red. "Okay, I killed my fish. Fucking most advanced ship in the goddamned universe and there's no way to automate feeding a couple of fucking fish."

Joker broke out laughing. Shepard snatched up her wine and drank a big gulp but she swallowed too fast and ended up coughing which only made him laugh harder.

She gave him a stern glare. "If you're quite done."

Joker wiped his eyes still chuckling to himself. He nodded for her to continue.

"What stakes do you want to play for?" Shepard asked, trying to move the conversation along.

"Well if you win," Joker paused, "I could feed your fish for you." He started cracking up again.

Shepard tried to frown but ended up laughing with him. "I don't plan to get any more fish, really. Model ships are easier to take care of."

"Fine, be a spoiled sport. I was just going to use it as an excuse to come in here while you were away and go through your lingerie." Joker poured them each another glass of wine.

"You would have been disappointed anyhow." She picked up her glass. "I've just been wearing the practical under things that Cerberus provides. They're comfy, but not sexy."

Joker took a swallow of wine. "Glad to be out of those Alliance standard issue starch shorts. Took me a year to lose my callus."

Shepard snorted, "I'm not even going to ask."

"If you're lucky, maybe one day I'll show you where it used to be." He waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

"Wow, um, yeah... back to the game," she picked up her cards. "We could just play for small credits."

"Friendly play, one credit per bet, maximum five credits per hand per player. No ante or buy ins." Joker rattled off while setting up and flipping over the cards to begin the game.

"Suddenly, I'm beginning to worry that you were interested in my fish because you're a card shark." Shepard smiled when Joker groaned at her bad pun.

Joker sorted through his cards, "I'm in." He put a chip in the center of the table.

Shepard laid down a pair of cards. "Two down." She also put a chip in.

Joker drew a card. "When you first came aboard the old Normandy, Kaiden made an effort to find out all he could about your personal life. The man wasn't that deep into scuttlebutt, but he was well connected. Which is why it was surprising that he hardly found out anything about you that wasn't in your standard personnel file."

Shepard drew a card and discarded. "Was there a question buried somewhere in there?" She took a sip of her wine.

"Have you really not dated in your entire military career or have you worked out some nefarious method of keeping your name out of the gossip mill?" Joker laid his cards out.

There was a predatory grin on Shepard's face, "Ha! I win." She fanned out her cards with a flourish.

"You called me a shark... I'm beginning to think you ate your fish." Joker finished off his wine and divided the remainder of the bottle between them.

A brief lull of silence was broken by the sound of Shepard shuffling the cards. "To answer your question, my secret to keeping clear of the gossip mill is that I'm too boring to talk about."

"You really didn't date all that time?"

"I really didn't." Shepard downed the rest of her wine and got up to retrieve another bottle. "My last three years of school, I went to a boarding school. My mother thought it was best if I could stay in one place and not transfer all over with her after Dad died. Anyway, the headmistress kind of took me under her wing. She was retired Alliance navy, a career woman. Early on, she was promoted rapidly, until she got married. After her wedding, she never got promoted again. She told me that if you wanted a career in the military as a woman, you had to put off romance and family. Once you let them see you as a woman, it was all over."

Joker picked up the cards she had dealt as she spoke. "Do you think the Alliance is unfair to women?"

"I don't think it's the Alliance in particular, I think it's just people, especially soldiers. Too much machismo. A woman who doesn't date is an ice queen, but if she does date then she's a slut. Still, it's more than just the good old boy's club." She drew a card and put a chip in the pot.

Joker leaned forward, "How so?"

"Man or woman, if you're single in the military, pretty much all your energy ends up focused on your career. If your mission is successful then you're successful. If you have a spouse and a family you have other priorities vying for your attention. You have something besides the military to live for. I think people who have families are less likely to take risks or make sacrifices for their career because they have other people depending on them." She drew a card, looked at it briefly and then threw a chip in the pot. "When I enlisted, I promised myself that I wouldn't let a man get between me and my goals.

"Until you met Kaiden." Joker set down his wine glass and drew. "What changed? Or was it love at first sight?"

Shepard rolled her eyes, "Love at first sight, how very... romantic."

"You say 'romantic' like you really mean 'stupid'. Like maybe it's a dirty word."

"I guess old habits die hard. I spent a long time avoiding entanglement." She drew a card then tucked it in her hand and added a chip to the pile. "It wasn't meeting Kaiden that changed things by the way. It was becoming a Spectre."

Joker drew and took a sip of wine while he looked at his cards. "Why would becoming a Spectre change anything?"

"A Spectre is a Spectre. They work independently and report directly to the council. There's no real need for a formal hierarchy beyond seniority. In reality, it didn't really change anything, I just thought it did for a while. After Virmire, it was obvious that I couldn't afford to divide my attention." Shepard lined up her cards on the coffee table.

"I win." Joker said and put his cards next to hers. She nodded and he took his winnings and started to gather up the deck.

"I always intended to date and get married, hell, maybe even have a family. But it was always something for the future, when I was ready, when I had time. And then I died." She set her glass on the table and leaned forward, elbows on her knees.

Joker dealt the cards, "You ran out of time real fast there."

"That I did." Shepard picked up her cards. "This isn't just a prelude to my life anymore. Fighting the Reapers, the Collectors, living on the Normandy with my comrades in arms, all of this," she made a sweeping gesture, "this is my life."

"Well now, that's deep." He raised his hands in dramatic supplication, "Oh, Great Sensei, what does it all mean?" Joker drew a card and put a chip in the pot while Shepard giggled.

She took a drink and then drew a card, still smiling. "I don't know... I guess all I'm trying to say is, the mission is still important, but I am done waiting to be a person." She dropped a chip in the pot. "It's just been one mission after another and there's no guarantee that that will ever change. But if I keep trying to do things like I did before, I can guarantee that I will run out of energy before I run out of battles."

"So what you're saying is that you are going to get married and have babies in the middle of a war with the Reapers?" Joker laid his cards out. "Sounds like a plan. Who's the lucky man?" He grinned at Shepard and winked.

She shook her head and flopped her cards down next to his. "I win."

"You do realize that if you play Skyllian Five with only two players and they're both competent, the dealer always looses?"

Shepard finished picking up the cards. "You want to play something else?"

"Like what?"

"I know," she said, "since you're so obsessed with my fish tank, we could play Skald Fishing."

"As a shark, you'll probably have an unfair advantage."

"Har, har." Shepard shuffled.

"Skald isn't exactly a betting game," Joker pointed out.

"We could play for stories, like little girls at a sleep over." She played with her wine glass, enjoying the warm glow of a buzz.

"Stories?" His smile slipped a bit.

"Oh, don't look so suspicious. It's not that bad." She gave him a faux pouty lip. "You play a game and the winner gets to ask for a story."

"What kind of story?"

Shepard grinned, "Personal stories. For instance, if I win, I might ask you to tell me about the first time you had sex."

"No." Joker said, face shut down, serious.

Shepard just looked at him. It took her a moment to realize that there was no punch line coming, he meant it. "What do you mean?"

"I mean no. The stakes are too high. I don't want to play anymore." He stood up. "Look, I should probably go."

"Wait." Shepard set her glass down and looked up at him, brow furrowed in confusion. "I don't understand."

He put his hands in his pockets and looked at the coffee table as he spoke. "It was one thing when I was just flirting with you to cheer you up, but now, you're acting like this could be more, like it could be a relationship or something, and that's just..." He petered off.

"Just what?" She breathed the words, barely above a whisper.

Joker looked at her, "It's just stupid."

There was a flash of anger across Shepard's face. "Are you calling me stupid for wanting you?" Her tone was level but no longer soft.

"Yes." Joker shot back. "God, Shepard, you just don't get it, do you?"

Shepard looked at him, her face hard and blank.

"Fine," he said, "the first time I had sex, it was with a friend. She had known me most of my life and when she realized I was a virgin, she wanted to help." He paced a couple of steps further into the room and then turned back. "I should have said no. I should have told her I didn't want mercy sex. But I did want it. I was twenty two and horny and I pretty much wanted it however I could get it."

Joker drew closer to Shepard and looked down at her. "Beth knew all about my condition. She was careful; don't try and kid yourself that she wasn't." He stepped back, looking away again. "At first, it was nice, kissing, touching, exploring. Eventually, we ended up on the bed. I was on bottom; my legs wouldn't have been able to handle the strain. She straddled my hips, hardly even touching me. Then she reached down, adjusted the angle and slowly slid onto me until my cock was all the way inside her. She steadied herself with her hands on the bed on either side of me and gently began moving up and down, careful not to put any weight on me. I curled up to kiss her nipple but I couldn't quite reach so I pulled her down a bit to get a better angle. She only lost her balance for a second, but I ended up with three fractured ribs." Joker looked at Shepard, his eyes more angry than sad. "Beth tried to keep going. I guess she thought that since I broke bones so often, it wasn't a big deal. But a few broken ribs will deflate an erection real fast. When she realized what happened she was embarrassed. She asked me to let her get dressed and leave before I called for help so no one would know she had been there."

"I'm sorry." Shepard said and reached for his hand.

Joker jerked away, "I don't need your pity." He stepped out of range. "I can't be the man you deserve, so just forget about it." He turned and started walking towards the door on fragile legs.

"Joker..." Shepard's voice was plaintive but he didn't even pause. "Jeff! Stop!" she yelled.

Joker stopped, almost to the door. He turned, drew himself up to attention and saluted.

Shepard came and stood in front of him, reflexively assuming a defensive fighting stance. "Drop the salute. That wasn't an order and you know it." Despite her posture, her tone was aggressive, angry.

He let his hand fall but otherwise remained ridged. He kept his gaze fixed on the far wall above her shoulder.

"You're a free man, Joker. If you don't want me, if you don't feel anything for me, then fine, leave." She glared at him, moving close enough that she interrupted his line of sight. He either had to turn away or meet her stare. He didn't move. "But if you're just too afraid to stay and find out where this might go between us, don't you dare pretend that running away is some noble sacrifice you're making to protect me. You walk out that door and it's not like the man you think I deserve walks in to replace you. You walk out and I have less, not more."

Joker scowled back at her from far too close, refusing to be the one who backed away. His voice sounded rough. "Kaiden will realize his mistake and come crawling back, or some other able bodied man will come sweep you off your feet, soon enough. You don't need me."

"I do need you." Shepard's nostrils flared and she leaned even closer. "I don't want some random stranger. As for Kaiden, he can take his righteous indignation and stuff it. You're the one who's here, now, when I need you."

Joker snorted. "You want me because I happen to be convenient and available? That's not very flattering, Shepard."

"Don't be an idiot. You don't just 'happen' to be here. When the old Normandy went down, you stayed at the helm as long as possible to give the crew a chance to evacuate, even though it meant defying the evacuation order yourself. Afterwards, when the Alliance grounded you and decided to ignore the Reaper threat, you found someone who would use your skills to fight. Any number of private companies would have been all too happy to have you work for them. But what's the point of being the best pilot in the galaxy if all you're doing is flying parcel runs? You knew the danger and you couldn't just sit idly by. That means everything to me." She started the speech in a loud, acerbic tone, but by the end her cadence was softer, slower, but no less intense.

Joker finally dropped his gaze, defeated. "You give me too much credit. You know, surely you know, it wasn't just the fight I came back for."

Shepard put her finger tips on the edge of Joker's jaw and he looked up just as she closed the last few inches between them. The first kiss was just a light press of lips and then Shepard pulled back, eyes searching his countenance for reassurance. Joker put his arms around her and stepped in closer. Their second kiss was luxurious and warm.

She leaned back and looked at him with a smug smile. "Now, how about we go sit down. That is, if you're done acting like a teenage girl."

Joker dropped his arms and stepped back, "What?" His voice was low and husky.

The mirth was starting to make Shepard's eyes twinkle. "You're cute when you bluster."

He was louder when he responded, "I do not bluster, and I do not, ever, act like a teenage girl."

"I don't know that I've ever heard you yell before. You sound like thunder, it kind of gives me chills." She visibly shuddered to demonstrate. Then she quirked a mischievous eyebrow, "And by the way, storming off like a martyr because you're feeling insecure is way teenage girl behavior."

He stuttered for a moment, casting about for a response, but his blush betrayed him.

"Yes!" She was jubilant. "Finally, I got you to blush for me. Sweet victory."

Joker looked up at her from under a furrowed brow, "I hate you."

"I love you, too," she said.

His head shot up but Shepard had already turned and flounced down the steps.

"Are you coming?" she asked. Joker shook his head and hobbled down to resume his seat.

Shepard started to deal out cards.

"So, are we still going to play for stories," Joker queried, "because hiding behind a game to ask personal questions instead of just owning up to being interested seems like way teenage girl behavior."

"Touché." She sorted through the cards in her hand to buy time. "Alright, from now on, I'll try and be a big girl. If I want to know, I'll just ask. You should feel free to do the same." She looked back at her cards. "Got any twos?"

Joker laid a card on the table and she added two more cards and drew to pass the turn. He looked at his cards, then he dropped his hand and looked at Shepard instead. "What are we doing?"

She tilted her head to the side, "We're playing cards."

"No," he sounded flustered, "I mean in a larger sense."

"Oh, I know this one... we're fighting a war against intergalactic spaceship monsters in order to save civilization as we know it."

Joker let out a snorting chuckle, "Spaceship monsters..." He sighed, "I guess I meant in the middle size. What are you and I doing? You know, us?"

Shepard echoed his sigh. "Ah, the middle... yeah, that's where it gets a little tricky." She laid down her cards, the game forgotten, and picked up her wine glass. "Isn't it usually the girl that does this?"

"Does what?" Joker asked, picking up his own wine and leaning back.

"Tries to define the relationship immediately?"

"You'd probably know more about that than I do; I haven't been involved with anyone since Beth."

Shepard sighed and rubbed her forehead. "Yeah..." she said, "that's still more experience than I have."

"Don't try and bullshit me, Shepard. You're no virgin." Joker scooted closer to her, grinning.

Shepard drew herself up, feigning shock. " My, my, what sort of lady do you take me for, sir?"

He reached out and lightly touched her face. "Respectfully ma'am, you're not a lady; you are a damn fine soldier."

Shepard closed her eyes and nuzzled her cheek against his palm. He let out a shaky breath. "The way you're playing me," he said, "it's obvious that you know exactly what you're doing."

"Maybe I'm just a fast learner." She lightly kissed the knuckle of his thumb.

Joker ran his fingertips across her lips and then withdrew his hand. "Come on, you may have kept clear of scuttlebutt by not dating within the military, but you've had breaks and shore leave."

Shepard retrieved her glass from the table. "I meant it when I said I haven't dated since I enlisted," she paused a moment and took a sip, "Tell you the truth, you're the only person I've even kissed since I was fifteen."

"Since fifteen?" Joker shook his head, "You're thirty now, so that's half your life you've wasted on celibacy."

"Hey!" Shepard cried, "You can't count the years I was dead. I'm only twenty eight."

"Women." He snickered, "As I see it, you are either thirty years old, or only four months old. But I'll warn you, I don't date infants."

"So then, we're dating?" She smiled and lifted her eyebrows at him.

"Wait," he said and lifted his eyebrows right back at her, "you really are a virgin, then?"

"No..." she shook her head, "no, I'm not."

He laughed and chucked her lightly on the shoulder. "You hussy. Giving it up at fifteen."

She shrugged her shoulders, "It wasn't planned," she said, "or at least, I didn't plan it."

"Well, even if you only did it once, I'd say that qualifies you as having more romantic experience."

"Not necessarily," Shepard took a drink before continuing, "fractures not withstanding, your first time sounds way more successful than mine."

"My first time was awkward, painful and truncated. Working on the assumption that everything was consensual, I can't see how your first time could have been worse than broken bones."

Shepard went to take a drink of wine only to realize her glass was already empty. She set it down. "I didn't say it was worse," she said, "It's not a competition you know. I just said it was less successful. Awkward, painful and truncated is a pretty accurate description of my first time as well. You at least got to have some pleasant sex before things got cut off."

"Wait," Joker looked horrified, "you cut it off?"

"What? Oh, no..." Shepard made a small exasperated noise, "Grow up, you know what I meant."

He finished his wine and set down his glass. "So, let me guess, he stuck it in, came immediately, and you dumped his ass?"

"Eww, gross." She wrinkled her nose, "Nothing like that."

"Are you going to tell me about it or do I have to win a game of cards first?"

She heaved a melodramatic sigh. "Fine, I'll tell you." But then she leaned in and kissed Joker instead. After a moments hesitation he kissed her back. For such a strong, hard woman, her lips were surprisingly soft. When the kiss broke, they sat with their foreheads lightly touching.

"You're trying to distract me, aren't you?" he whispered, almost against her lips.

"Maybe." She kissed him again.

Joker took her by the shoulders and gently pulled away. "You weren't, you know..." Concern was painted across his features, "I mean, it was consensual, right?"

She touched his face. "Don't worry, I wasn't raped." She gave him a quick kiss and then flopped back against the sofa. "It's just embarrassing is all. I'm not proud of how I behaved."

Joker turned to face her, pulling his knee up onto the seat between them. "Shit, Shepard, you were fifteen, you're supposed to be an idiot at fifteen."

"No, the Great Commander Shepard is always supposed to be strong and virtuous and confident. She is certainly never supposed to have been a silly little school girl who was afraid that her cute boyfriend would't like her anymore if she didn't put out."

"You were an insecure teenage girl," Joker gave her a knowing look, "you probably just stormed out like a martyr."

That at least got Shepard to smile. "No, I didn't. Although, come to think of it, that would have been an appropriate response."

"Quit hinting and just tell me the story already."

"Yeah, yeah." Shepard sat up and turned to face him, mirroring his posture, their knees pressed together. "It was my first year of boarding school. My dad had died about eight months earlier and my mom was on some ship halfway across the galaxy so I stayed in the dorms over the holiday break. If I hadn't been one of about a dozen kids left at the school, I doubt Collin would have ever noticed me. I knew who he was, of course. He was 17, popular, handsome, a bit of a trouble maker. The crap he got up to, if he wasn't brilliant and talented, he probably would have been kicked out a dozen times over. Anyway, I was sitting alone in the nearly empty cafeteria and Collin came and sat with me. We talked for a few minutes while he wolfed down his food and then he left. That likely would have been the end of it but the headmistress caught him in the hall afterward. She told him that I was a good girl going through a rough time and that he should stay away from me. She might as well have painted a target on me. From then on, he spent every moment he could with me. I was flattered by the attention. Dating was against the rules which just made it all the more exciting. I'd always been a good girl; being with Collin was more fun. We would hold hands under the table or sneak a kiss when we thought no one would see. After about six weeks of this, I got a message from him while I was studying one night in the common room. He told me to meet him outside the girl's dormitory a half hour after curfew. Stolen kisses were one thing but sneaking out was more than I was ready for. I wasn't going to go, but I was still in the common room at half past when the headmistress was called to help break up a fight in the boy's dorm. For some reason, I got up and followed her out. As she rounded the corner out of sight, Collin appeared from the opposite direction. He grabbed my hand and we ran. We ended up in a science classroom that wasn't being used that semester. He must have been there earlier because there was a pallet of blankets on the floor and a row of bunsen burners on a nearby lab table. It wasn't exactly roses and candles but he was trying. He lit the burners and turned out the lights. Then, he took my hand and lead me to the pallet by the steady blue light of half a dozen flames. I followed mutely. We had never even been alone together before, never discussed sex. Even after he had removed our cloths while I just passively stood there I didn't expect things to go that far. Then he told me to lie down and he nudged my legs apart and laid down on top of me. It was my first time so when he pushed himself inside of me there was pain. I whimpered underneath him and bit my lip to stay quiet. He paused to give me a moment to adjust. That's when the headmistress found us. I'd only been out of the dorms fifteen minutes."

"I don't suppose the headmistress let you finish?" Joker asked.

Shepard actually laughed out loud. "No, no she did not."

"Well that's just rude." He laughed with her.

"I can't really imagine trying to continue with the headmistress standing there, waiting."

"She could have waited in the hall." Joker said.

"She could have, but she didn't."

Joker put his hand on her knee. "Okay, I see how that was awkward as hell, but I don't understand why you're embarrassed. The only thing you did wrong was date a romantic cliche who had no concept of foreplay."

"But I didn't actually want to have sex with him. I just stood there like a lump and let him do what he wanted with my body because I was afraid he would stop paying attention to me if I didn't. I didn't love him, I barely even knew him. I was just using him because I was lonely after my dad died."

Joker rubbed his temples with his fingertips. "Seriously Shepard," he said, "it's been fifteen years and you still feel guilty for dating a guy just because you were lonely? That might be the most neurotic thing I've ever heard you say."

Shepard rolled her eyes, "Well, when you say it like that it sounds stupid-"

"Because it is." Joker interjected.

"Okay, but my point is... what was my point?" She paused and pinched the bridge of her nose. "Okay, so after the headmistress broke things up, I never saw Collin again. I was sent to the nurse's office and spent the rest of the night having uncomfortable conversations with authority figures. Collin was sent to pack his bags. Not only did he have a history of making trouble, but he had hacked two boys' omnitools to cause the fight that gave us cover to sneak out. I'm sure that the administration meant for it to be a clean break between us, but Collin was good at hacking. It took him about a week to find a way to get a message to me. The letter was a vitriolic tirade. He blamed me for everything that happened and told me that I was a horrible person who was incapable of love. Look, don't get me wrong, it's all ancient history now, I'm not still broke up about it. But it does still embarrass me that, at one point, I was so weak that I slept with a spineless jerk so I didn't have to face being alone."

"Don't be too hard on yourself, it's no small thing to be alone." Joker took hold of her hands and stilled their nervous wringing. "With Beth, I secretly hoped that if we had sex, she would come to see me as more than a friend. That she would care for me the way I cared for her. I knew her better than that, but I let myself pretend, anyway. I didn't want to be alone anymore. Instead of winning her affections, I destroyed our friendship. I saw her about a year ago in a shop, she pretended she didn't see me."

Shepard looked down at their hands, then back at Joker's face. "I can't promise I'll never accidentally break you, but if I do, I can promise not to panic and run away."

Joker smiled. "And I'll try not to get expelled from school and blame it all on you."

"I suppose that's all I can ask." She grinned back at him but then she had to stifle a yawn.

"Aw, little lamb, you've had a long day," Joker said, "and you've got a long day ahead of you. I should get out of here so you can get some sleep."

Shepard held onto his hands. "You could stay. I mean, the bed is big and it has to be more comfortable than your bunk."

He smiled and squeezed her hands. "When you have your nightmares, do you thrash about much?" He raised one eyebrow.

"Ah... I see what you mean."

"Don't frown, I'm sure we could work something out. But not tonight." He stood up and she stood with him. He surprised her by taking the lead and pulling her in close and kissing her. They took their time, neither seemed eager for the evening to be over. Eventually, she walked him out. After the door closed behind him, Shepard slumped against the wall and stood thinking for a minute before straightening up and getting ready for bed.

"""""""""""""""""""""""""

_If the next chapter goes as planned, I should be earning that "M" rating soon. I just need to figure out how to write smut and avoid the "Pronoun verbed the prepositional phrase." trap. Also, reviews make me write faster._


	4. Chapter 4

_Okay, so you know the marshmallow fluff that comes in a squeeze bottle that you put on ice cream or what have you? It's all sticky and gooey and light. Yeah, this chapter is exactly like that. Also, if you aren't old enough to have really uncomfortable doctors visits, you should probably consider hitting the back button and setting your ratings filter back to "K-T". This is M for a reason._

Joker spun around in his chair as Shepard walked into the cockpit. "You know Commander, I'm not real broke up that Wrex isn't coming. I'm good with our current amount of headbutting. I'd say we're at headbutting capacity."

"I don't know," Shepard leaned against the railing, "I enjoy headbutting a Krogan every now and again."

"Yeah, I heard about your antics down there, Grunt seemed to think it was hilarious." He shrugged, "Grunt is... not a stabilizing element, Commander."

"Meh," she shrugged, "I think he might be doing a little better. He still wants to kill everything, but at least he feels good about it now."

Joker raised his eyebrows. "Yes, because that's such a comfort."

"I know, right?" She said with a grin. "Anyways, I didn't bring him along because of his poetry recitations. When Grunt runs out into battle yelling 'I. Am. Krogan.' all the bad guys turn and look. Then I can shoot them in the back. Very convenient."

"Well, as long as they're shooting at him instead of you, I guess he's okay."

"Aw, Joker," she said lightly, "you do care."

Joker gave her a crooked half smile. "You know that I find you beautiful and desirable-"

Shepard cut in, "Of course you do, I'm gorgeous." She gave him a silly, sultry look and pretended to adjust her hair.

"Indeed you are," he said. "Look, I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but, are you sure this is a good idea?"

Shepard stood up straight. "Yes, I'm sure. I'm very sure. Joker, the only thing stopping me from dragging you up to my quarters right now and jumping your bones is, ironically, your bones." She knelt down and took his hand. "I eat impossible tasks for breakfast. This isn't even impossible, okay? It's just complicated. We'll work it out."

He took her hand in both of his. "Nothing is impossible to you. You are gorgeous... and talented, intelligent, resourceful, charming... There are no such things as limits in your life; my life is constantly defined by my limitations. Even if we do work out a way to be intimate, we will always be constrained by my condition."

"Joker, I don't mind. It's not like I've been having lots of crazy sex and I'm giving it up. I've long since learned to take care of my own needs. Even if all we can do is watch each other masturbate, I'd be content."

"You say that now," Joker looked down at their hands. "I understand that with everything that's going on, the idea of starting from scratch with someone new would seem exhausting. And of course, currently, you're limited to the selection of men on the Normandy. But that won't always be the case."

Shepard started to speak but Joker cut her off, "No, I'm sorry, but I need to finish. I care about you, this isn't something trivial to me. I don't mean to be melodramatic, this isn't some sort of ultimatum, 'forever or nothing', but... I can't ..." Joker paused to search for words. Shepard sat perfectly still, waiting. "Look, if we just stop now and pretend this didn't happen, or if you eventually broke it off because it turned out we're not compatible ... if we get involved, and you eventually leave me because of my Vroliks, well, I'd rather just never get started than face that possibility."

He tried to pull his hands back but Shepard held on. "Joker, I won't lie to you, I want to eat you up like a yummy snack cake." She laid her cheek against his knee and smiled up at him until he made eye contact. "But that's just desert, I come for the meat and the potatoes." She sat up and looked at him squarely, "I'm thinking this through as I go along so forgive me if it comes out kind of rough... What I want, what I want most is to build a life with you. I mean, I look out at the future, and, well, the view is pretty bleak from here. It's just, it seems easier to envision a path through this mess with you at my side. I don't want a wall of Reapers to be all I can dream of. I want to hope for a future where you and I get to see a little peace together. I'm tired of just fighting against the Reapers; you give me something to fight for instead. And, I know, we're at war, there's nothing guaranteed about the future. I already died once, it could happen again. Hell, we could both get blown up and then it wouldn't matter. And if you don't want to do anything physical, I understand, I just, I get lonely, and I don't want there to be artificial boundaries between us and I-"

Joker put his hands on either side of her face. "Shush, Shepard, it's okay." He kissed her.

A data pad clattered to the floor. Joker and Shepard turned in time to see Kelly Chambers' hurried retreat back to the CIC.

"Fire up the rumor mill." Joker said, "There goes your clean record."

"Eh, let them talk," Shepard said. "I'm not ashamed. I'm a human, not a robot, of course I want to kiss the cutest boy on board."

"Yeah, yeah, that's what you think now," Joker shook his head, "but by this time tomorrow, someone on this boat will honestly believe that we got caught having crazy monkey sex in front of the crew if you don't go talk to Chambers now and get out in front of it."

Shepard grinned, "Crazy monkey sex, huh?"

"You can take her the data pad she dropped and just mention to her that she's the only one who knows and we'd prefer to keep the talk to a minimum. It will make her feel special... and it will tell her that we'll know it was her if this gets out."

"Oh, fine." Shepard mock pouted. "I was kind of looking forward to using the surveillance cameras to listen to the stories the crew told about us." She gave him one last quick kiss and then set out to find Kelly.

"""""""""""""""""""""""""

"I thought you said if I went and talked to Kelly, we could keep the gossip under control."

Joker rotated his chair to face Shepard. "No, I indicated that if you talked to Kelly she probably wouldn't be the first to talk about it."

"Well, she must have said something because when I visited engineering just now, Donnelly was recounting a vivid tale of hot monkey sex in the cockpit." She looked a little flustered.

"You know what pisses me off? Calling this the cockpit. Alliance ships have bridges. Asari ships have cockpits. Oh wait. No they don't."

Shepard shook her head and smiled, "You've been saving that line."

"Oh!" He put the back of his hand against his forehead and turned dramatically, "You wound me."

He dropped his hand and grinned. "Also, I guess this isn't really an Alliance ship. Anyway, I don't know that it was Kelly. The crew was going to put two and two together sooner or later."

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"Well, you went from super serious, sad faced Shepard to sappy, silly Shepard over a remarkably short period of time. Someone was bound to jump to conclusions eventually." Joker chuckled, "I'd say my reputation just sky rocketed."

"You're really proud of yourself aren't you?"

"Yeah, I am." Joker stuck out his chin and smirked. "You are this amazing warrior who runs around saving the universe and stuff. That being with me turns you into this happy smiling woman, that I have that effect on you... hell yeah, I'm proud."

She reached up and tugged on his beard. "You never told me you were a romantic sap."

"You never asked."

"""""""""""""""""""""""""

When he heard Shepard dismiss the crew, Joker cut the link to the communications room and told EDI to take the helm and send for the relief pilot. He hobbled through the CIC and reached the elevator just as Shepard emerged from Mordin's lab.

"Hey, Shepard," he said. She looked tired.

"Hey, Joker," she responded and followed him into the lift. She gave him a curious look when he pushed the button for the captain's cabin, but she didn't say anything.

"You know," Joker opened, "most people are deferential when they talk to the Illusive Man."

"He's not even the scariest thing I faced today." She sighed and slumped against the wall. "I had to fight a damn Praetorian because he withheld information... again."

"It's fun listening to you argue with him. It's like watching a lion maul a hyena."

Shepard stretched her shoulders as best as she could while still in combat armor. "Really? Because it always feels like I give him everything he wants."

"Nope," he said, "definitely a lion. Or more specifically, a fierce, sexy lioness."

"I guess that's okay, then." She looked down and rubbed her temples. "To be honest, I don't feel fierce or sexy. I just feel tired and frustrated. I'm fighting the Collectors, which is what the Illusive Man goddamn wanted. Yet, he still feels the need to jerk me around just to prove that he's big and bad and powerful. 'Information is my weapon.' What an ass. And he endangered my people."

The elevator finally opened outside her cabin and they both got off. "Joker," she said, "you're welcome to come in, as always, but I was just planning to shower and go to bed."

He walked into the cabin with her and went to stand by the empty fish tank. "You seem a bit riled up to go to bed, Shepard."

She crossed her arms. "What do you mean?"

"Once upon a time, you told me that after a hard fight you needed to calm down, relax your muscles." He waggled his eyebrows at her suggestively.

Shepard caught up to what he was getting at and she hung her head, but when she looked back up at him she was smiling. "You want to watch me pleasure myself." It wasn't a question.

Joker grinned and leered at her. "Well, now that you suggest it, that sounds like an excellent idea." He stepped closer and took her hand, face softer. "That is, if that's alright with you."

Shepard gave a shaky laugh. "Fine, but I'm still showering first, so you'll just have to wait. I got splattered with husk guts and somehow, some of them got inside my under armor and I swear they're setting up like cement."

"Lovely." Joker said. "I'll just wait on the sofa then."

She followed him down to the lower level as she stifled a yawn. "How are you so chipper? You had a long day, too."

"It's all just a clever facade," he leaned back and put his hands behind his head. "If you want to get out of this without loosing face, all you have to do is take too long in the shower. Then, when you come out, I'll be passed out asleep. Of course, the downside is that you'll have to listen to me snore and I'd probably wake up super stiff from sleeping on a sofa."

"Do you really snore?" Shepard asked.

"That's what I'm told at least," he chuckled. "Now, quit stalling and get a move on, girly. We don't have all night."

"Well, I never!" she said in her most prissy voice, but then she winked and hustled off to the bathroom.

Joker leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. He glanced around the now familiar rooms and then shook his head as if clearing his thoughts. "In for a penny, in for a pound," he said to himself and settled back to wait.

For her part, Shepard was struggling with her armor in the enclosed space of the small bathroom. As usual, the arms and legs had come off easily, but the last latch on the torso was proving difficult. If her movements weren't constricted by the armor then she would be able to reach the spot where the latch sat on her back without trouble, but of course, that was no help. She hopped sideways trying to twist the last inch and landed on her discarded shoulder pad. Her foot slid out from under her and she crashed to the floor.

"Everything alright in there?" Joker called out.

"I'm okay!" she yelled from her pile of armor and limbs. Then she said under her breath, "Oh, hell, he'll see the whole show soon enough." She grabbed the edge of the sink and hauled herself upright then walked out into the main room. Joker was standing awkwardly at the top of the stairs like he had stopped in the middle of coming to her rescue.

"Could you help me with my clasp?" She turned around, "It's right in the middle of the back where I can't get it."

"This is why you decided to destroy the bathroom?" Joker asked as he popped the clasp open.

Shepard ignored him and slid the armor off. She took a deep breath and stretched right and left, wiggling her shoulders and hips to loosen the muscles.

Joker leaned back to admire the view. "Well," he said, "that suit certainly is, um, snug."

"You like what you see, Mr. Moreau?" She looked over her shoulder at him.

"Yes, yes I certainly do," he replied. "Now stop fishing for compliments and go shower." He smacked her ass lightly and smirked at her.

"Yes, sir." She said and returned to the bathroom, smiling.

Shepard emerged about ten minutes later with wet hair, wearing a terrycloth robe. She looked vulnerable, somehow overwhelmed, wrapped in white fluff. Joker watched her walk over to the bed in silence. She pulled a few items out of her bedside table and placed a pillow about halfway down the bed. Then, without turning to face him, she slid the robe down off of her shoulders. She was still warm from the shower and the cool air on her skin gave her goose bumps. Joker let out a small moan and she shivered, partly from the chill, partly from the low rumble of his voice. Still looking resolutely ahead, Shepard let the robe fall to the floor. Joker sighed audibly and she smiled to herself.

She crawled onto the bed and lay down on her back, legs straight, hands clasped on her belly. Only then did she look over at Joker. He met her gaze for a moment, then his eyes slid back down her body. She let her fingers trail over her skin, tracing lines on the surface of her nerves. She closed her eyes as she drew small circles around her nipples. Her hands moved on their own volition, kneading her breast, digging into her sides, gravitating downward. She smoothed her palms over her hips and down her thighs and she drew her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around her legs, pulling herself into a ball. She held herself tight and secure for a moment, before lowering her feet back to the bed and letting her knees fall open.

Joker leaned forward and licked his lips as Shepard tugged gently at her pubic hair and then let her hand rest, covering her mound. Then, she reached over and plucked up a small bottle of lubricant off of the bed stand and squeezed a few drops onto her fingertips. She spread the lube on herself and began a slow rhythm running up and down over her clitoris. For a while, everything but her hand was still while she focused on the simple sensations of arousal. As the pace of her breathing sped up so did her fingers. Joker shifted on the sofa, adjusting his erection, discretely.

Shepard retrieved another item from the table, this time the vibrator Joker had given her. She leaned up on her elbow and squeezed a little lubricant onto the tip of it and then tossed the bottle aside. She twisted the knob to turn it on and grinned as the vibrations jiggled the clear gooey lube. She turned to look at Joker and mock toasted him with the vibrator. She held his gaze as she slid the toy along her labia and against her vaginal opening. Their eyes remained locked as she pushed the vibrator just a little way into herself. She let the tension in her muscles push it back out. She pushed it in just a little further and let it pop out again. Over and over she moved the vibrator in and out, a fraction further each time. At some point she realized that she had closed her eyes and tilted her head back onto the pillow. She moved in an easy rhythm. Her feet pushed against the bed, angling her hips up to meet each stroke. Joker clutched his knees, knuckles white, as Shepard scrunched up her face in concentration. After a minute of increased pace, her face went soft and she stilled her hand on the vibrator. Then, she slid it out and ran the tip up against her clitoris. She ran it back and forth, letting the vibrations do the work. For a while, there was just the soft hum of the toy against the silence of space. Slowly, Shepard's breath became sharper and faster. Her toes curled into the bedspread and her buttocks clenched. She moaned quietly, and bit at her bottom lip. Then, her whole body froze, rigid except for her hand on the vibrator. Suddenly, she bucked against the mattress and thrashed about. Her legs shot out straight, body tense, hand pressed between her thighs. She relaxed by inches, one muscle at a time until she lay quiet in the afterglow.

Joker watched her take deep, slow breaths. Beside her, on the bed, the vibrator hummed away, forgotten. Her head lolled to the side and she smiled softly at him, looking out from under heavy lids.

Joker blinked at her, momentarily struck dumb. "I... that was..." he sighed, "Thank you, Shepard, just... thank you."

Shepard patted the blankets blindly until she located the vibrator and then switched it off. "Um, you're welcome?" She gave a shaky chuckle.

"I got to see behind your mask. It was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen."

Shepard sat up and let her feet dangle off the side of the bed. "Joker, I..." her expression was earnest, eyes glistening. "You're welcome."

He stood up and retrieved her robe. She let him help her into it and secure the belt around her waist. Only once she was again enveloped in terry cloth did he wrap his arms around her and kiss her. She snaked her arms around his waist and let her hands stray down onto his ass.

"Oh my," Joker leaned back just enough to speak, "hands in new places."

Shepard snickered. "You're turn."

"Hmm?" he breathed and kissed her eyebrow.

"Turn about is fair play." Her eyelids fluttered and she struggled to concentrate, "I want to see you pleasure yourself now."

"Oooh, you're funny." He murmured and turned slightly, rubbing his corse beard across her cheek.

She took his earlobe between her teeth and tugged until the soft flesh sprang free. Then she snapped at him playfully. "Did I say something humorous?"

He nibbled his way down her neck before answering. "There's nothing graceful about a man jerking off. Why would you want to see that?"

Shepard tilted her head back just a bit so she could look at him. "Not just a man, silly." She bumped her forehead against the brim of his hat. "My man."

He grinned , "Awfully possessive of you."

She stuck out her chin and smiled back at him. "Mine."

Tossing his hat aside, he kissed her mouth, effectively cutting off conversation for awhile. She tangled her fingers in his hair and his hand drifted idly up and down her spine. Shepard ran the tip of her nose along Joker's cheekbone and broke the kiss. "Mr. Moreau, are you trying to distract me?"

"Who, me?" He let his hand slide down onto her bum. "Would I do that?"

She pressed her hips more solidly against his and looked him in the eye. "Yes."

"Well... maybe just a little," he said. He squeezed her butt and rolled his hips so that she could feel his hard penis penned between their abdomens. A low moan escaped her lips.

"Why?" Joker whispered.

"Hmm?" was all Shepard could manage.

"Why do you want to see me masturbate?" He massaged her butt, holding her tight against him.

"I... oh, um..." she stuttered out. Then she took a deep breath and tried again, "In the vids, they always focus on the women. I don't think I've ever actually seen a man's face while he comes."

"Hmm..." he spoke with his lips and beard tickling the side of her neck, "I thought you said you didn't want to see a generic man."

Shepard stepped back so she could see Joker clearly. "Then let me be plain. I want you, Joker. I want to see you naked. I want to see you touch yourself. I want to watch you come."

Joker stared at her shoulder and shifted his weight. His legs were suddenly tired from standing so long.

"This really makes you uncomfortable," she said softly.

He sat down on the edge of the bed. "The idea of you watching me jerk off doesn't feel sexy. It feels more like, I don't know, like you're asking to watch me take a dump."

"Lovely." She sank down onto the bed next to him. After a few seconds of thought she asked, "Hold on, let me get this straight. If it's you watching me masturbate, that's hot. But if I want to watch you, that's gross?"

"Well, when you put it like that it sounds stupid."

"Because it is." She scrunched up her nose and gave him a sassy smile.

He rolled his eyes. For awhile they sat in silence. Joker scooted closer so their shoulders touched. Shepard played her fingers up and down his thigh.

She spoke first. "Whenever I get a new gun, I like to take it to the range and shoot it in private. I always want to master something before anyone sees me do it. I'm vain like that. I hate for people to see me struggle."

He put his hand over hers. "I get that. Sometimes, I don't go out just because I'm not in the mood to see peoples faces when they see me limp. There are days when I resent every person who tries to open a door or carry something for me."

She squeezed his hand and then sighed. "I don't know how to... pleasure a man... you." Shepard looked at her toes. "You asked why I would want to watch. I guess I thought if I could watch what you did, it would help me figure out what I could do, you know, with you."

Joker turned his whole body to look at her squarely. She kept her head bowed, unable to meet his gaze. He realized that her eyes were brimming with unshed tears, so much had it cost this strong woman to admit weakness. Gently, he turned her face and let her see his expression of soft wonder. He kissed her, a brief meeting of lips, once, twice, three times. Then he stood and stepped away. He removed his shoes first and he had his socks off before Shepard caught on to what he was doing.

"You don't have to-"

"Shh," he hushed her and then paused to kiss her forehead before continuing to undress.

When he was down to his just his pants he paused and took a deep breath. He watched her as he undid his zipper and let his pants fall. Shepard tilted her head slightly as she took in his pale slender legs with their crooked bones, wiry muscles and myriad of surgery scars. Her gaze only lingered a few seconds before she was distracted by Joker's neon leopard-print boxers. She shook her head and continued up his body. By the time her eyes reached his face, they held no trace of pity, only heat and desire. Joker let out a breath he hadn't noticed he was holding and relaxed.

He grinned as he slipped the boxers off and went to sit at the head of the bed. His smile widened when he saw that Shepard's full attention was focused on his groin area. Too much talking had left him flaccid. He put his hand under his balls and hefted them. He stretched his shaft and pushed his foreskin up. He rubbed the head between his finger and thumb. Shepard licked her lips unconsciously.

"Could you do something for me?" Joker asked.

She dragged her eyes back up to his face. "Hmm?"

"Could you-" He stopped, then tried again, "Could you touch your breasts for me?"

She grinned. Her hands slid up her body over her robe, then she plunged one hand under the fabric and gave her breast a rough squeeze.

"Like this?" she asked.

Joker just nodded, his penis already growing hard in his hands. He reached over and picked up the discarded bottle of lube. "Is this alright?"

"Of course."

Joker dripped the lube onto the tip of his dick and began slowly sliding his fingers up and around. Shepard pushed the robe further open exposing a long v of skin down to her navel. She ran her fingertips down the side of her neck and back out of sight under the fabric. Joker groaned encouragingly and cupped his balls again with his free hand. He focused his attention on the head for awhile, gripping it with his whole hand and rubbing back and forth. Shepard dropped her shoulder and let the robe slide down on one side, exposing her hand covering one breast. Joker locked eyes with her as she drew her hand away until her finger tips were just plucking at her nipple. He began moving in a quick, steady rhythm over the whole shaft of his penis. Shepard slid her arms out of the sleeves and sat naked from the waist up. She ran her hands around her breasts in a distracted fashion, her attention was focused on Joker's increasing pace. He squeezed his balls lightly. His eyes were closed, his face scrunched up in concentration. A tension released and his face smoothed out, his lips slightly parted. His hand came up from his balls just in time to catch his seed. They sat in a frozen tableaux for a long moment, the only movement the rise and fall of both their chests as they struggled together to catch their breath.

Joker gave an embarrassed chuckle and the moment broke. He looked around for a tissue and, finding none, started too get up.

"Wait," Shepard said. She slipped her arms back in the robe but left it loose around her. Then, she crawled over and knelt next to him on the bed. Joker shifted uncomfortably as she took the hand that held his semen in both of hers. She gave him a reassuring smile and then carefully opened his hand to see the puddle of white goop in his palm. She tilted her head to the side and shook their hands to see the come jiggle. Joker couldn't help but grin as she leaned in and gave it an exaggerated sniff. His grin dropped when she dipped the tip of her tongue in his seed and smacked her lips. When she looked up, she saw a mix of shock and heat on his face. She bit her lip and gave him a wicked, shy look. Then she leaned down and slowly, deliberately lapped up the remainder of his come.

"Have I ever told you, you're amazing," he asked.

"Nope."

"Ah, well, you are." He gave her a quick kiss and settled back against the headboard.

"Sleep here tonight," Shepard said.

"I can't." He reached out and touched her knee. "I don't ever want to have to send the backup pilot to rescue you from a mob of villagers with their pitchforks and machine guns because I was in med bay with broken bones."

"I guess I get that." Shepard pouted.

"There's bound to be a lull in the action eventually. Then we can give it a try. I promise. Until then though, lets just take things slow, how about."

"Oh, fine," she said, but then she perked up. "You know, it's kind of nice having someone else be the responsible one for once."

"So what you're saying is you like it when I'm in charge?" Joker asked with a wolf smile.

Shepard laughed. "Maybe."

Joker stood up. "I should let you get some rest." He went over to where his clothes lay in a pile and started to get dressed. He carefully laid out his boxers on the floor and and stepped into them one foot at a time before pulling them up to see Shepard watching. "Um, Shepard... could you maybe, not watch. I mean, getting dressed is kind of awkward for me and I get a little self conscience."

"Oh, yes. I mean of course, sure." She went up to her desk and fiddled with her terminal.

After a few minutes, Joker came up beside her. "You going to walk me to the door?" He asked.

Shepard smiled and walked the few steps around the corner to the door with him. Joker took her by the shoulders and guided her back until she was against the wall. Then, he took hold of her lapels and pulled them down over her shoulders, her robe pinning her arms to her sides and exposing her breasts. Her surprised gasp quickly morphed into a moan as he sucked her nipple into his mouth. He licked and nibbled and sucked at first one nipple then the other. When he straightened back up, he palmed a breast in each hand and leaned his weight against her, taking his time to kiss her thoroughly. She was caught off guard again as he abruptly pulled away. He admired the view, her head tilted back, eyes closed, lips slightly parted, exposed chest rising and falling as she caught her breath.

When she finally opened her eyes, Joker popped off a salute. "Good night, Commander." He left to the chiming melody of the biggest bad ass in the universe giggling like a little girl.

_So, that was super challenging to write. Also, funny to research. Hope you enjoyed._


End file.
